What Makes A Good Lyric, Part 3 (now we're writing a song!)
We met at the Red Pony, on the coast of Monterey,
you said you liked martini’s dry as the sunlight slipped away.
We laughed at karaoke, we toasted one and all,
it didn’t seem like time had passed until we heard “last call”. 
These were the lyrics that I posted on Wednesday of last week and invited you to participate in the creation of a set of lyrics, so that we could actually see the development and we’ve had two people actually pony up with the courage to write something. The first was from Bobby in Ohio, who likes the freeform kind of thing. These lyrics will work provided we have a melody that will carry them. And it would have to be sung in that conversational style that Joni Mitchell does so well, where in she says what she wants and tho it doesn’t scan, it does convey what she wants it to convey. This is not a style that I have used very often, tho I do enjoy using it, most successfully for me in a song called Worry Bout You from my Even Cowgirls Get the Blues CD. Now let's get started.
If you do a four four count and recite the above lyrics, you can hear the rhythm and the scan. The following lyrics disregard that rhythm entirely and I believe that with that pattern so firmly established so quickly that we would have a difficult time creating a melody that would accommodate the above lyrics and the lyrics just below. I think to bring them together, I would need to create a different melody for that section and then, perhaps, return to the above form and either sing those lyrics again or write something that observed the pattern and scan.
We stepped outside around 2:30...
The rain was really coming down
Ran two blocks barefoot to your apartment
Cold and wet and we didn’t make a sound
As we undressed each other you put a record on
Joni Mitchell singing about People's Parties
by then we both had nothing on
We made love until the dawn broke
And the rain had stopped its sounds
We fell asleep in love we thought
Either way it didn’t matter we'd both have been around
My first inclination tho, is to completely rewrite all the lyrics above, making them observe the rhythmic pattern of the first verse that I created.
Below is another writer, Eva from Pittsburgh, who clearly observed the scan and the rhythm, so it would be easier to take her verse and do just a little adjusting. I’ll show you what I would do with the lyrics that she submitted. First read the lyrics and then I’ll do what I’d do.
It was that blue and empty hour
As we walked into the night.
The waves were calling to us,
The moon hung low and bright.
The sand was soft and slightly damp
As we ran along the shore;
Then stopped; breathless, laughing,
Falling together, close and warm.
That night we learned each other
In Monterey, there by the sea.
They were lessons not just for now and here,
But for eternity.
I would keep the first two lines as they appeal to me and they move the action along.
“It was that blue and empty hour
When we walked into the night” I changed as to when so we’d continue that alliteration on the “w”
And in keeping with that alliterative motif,
“the waves were whisp’ring to us” and then “the moon hung low and bright”
“The sand was soft and shining
As like fools we raced the moon”
I think that shining keeps us in the moonlight much more than “slightly damp” does, so I went with that.
"Til breathless then and laughing
We fell upon the dunes"
The pattern got a little loose there and so I’ve rewritten it to observe it.
The last verse seems a little over reaching, at least for me, as I tend to not write about love eternal or eternity unless I’m in some surreal place and as we’ve kept this song grounded in the night and the experience of these two lovers I want to try something more in line with what came before. That being said, let’s see if we can get past the eternity thing. This was my first response to it:
"That night we taught each other
Our secrets by the sea
The lessons were for here and now
And for eternity"
But I still don't like it. Perhaps something along these lines:
"And found inside each other
Our secret’s hiding place
And kept our promise to the night…
The joy that we’d embraced"
This is a work in progress and I’m going to stop here, but I still would like to get some more input from other readers. I have noticed that we have no chorus, which seems to be really important in most songs. So let’s think about that as well.
Here’s where the song is right now:
We met at the Red Pony on the coast of Monterey
You said you liked martini’s dry, as the sunlight slipped away
We laughed at karaoke, we toasted one and all
It didn’t seem like time had passed until we heard “last call”
It was that blue and empty hour when we walked into the night
The waves were whisp’ring to us, the moon hung low and bright
The sand was soft and shining, as like fools we raced that moon
Til breathless then and laughing, we fell upon the dune
And found inside each other our secret’s hiding place
And kept our promise to the night, the joy that we’d embraced
And found inside each other our secret’s hiding place
And kept our promise to the night, the joy that we’d embraced.
Still don’t like it, but let us see where we can take it over the next few posts.
james lee stanley
in Songwriting
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Reader Comments (13)
ok two things...
I have had "Worry 'Bout You" in my head all day!...Uncanny
Yeah I am in an area of my writing where the words write the melody...kind of like pouring mae west in to an evening gown...
lastly tho what if what i wrote was used as the bridge
what does 'scan' mean?
Here's an idea for a chorus:
4 5
Her baby blues blended with the sea,
1 1/3 4
There on the rocks they reached for me:
4 5
I didn't know if the salt on my lips,
1 1/7 6m
came from the wind or her neck I kissed,
2m 1/3
Threw up caution to what passed by,
4 5
Didn't care if it took all night.
2m 1/3 4
Gave in to what we needed most
1/3 4 5 1
Wrapped in love and the California coast.
I checked out the "Worry Bout You" song for tempo, and am playing this in G position (but works in any). I know it still needs alot of work, but I tried to blend some stuff in... both the sea and eyes reaching out for him. On the rocks could be a reference to the drink they had (if it wasn't dry), Salt in the air and on skin, Caution to the wind. And tying it all in to the location of the coast. I checked out some pics here:
http://www.photography.inkart.net/bay_area/
monterey_coast/01_monterey_coast.php
for inspiration (I don't have the luxury of living on the Pacific coast like ya'll :-) ).
Anyway, I love this exercise, and I look forward to seeing how it will progress. Due to the fact the song needs a hook (to be commercially viable) I believe we should iron out the chorus to see where the song would take us. I did write this chorus to try to fit with the other verses we have so far.
By the way, I don't think my numbers "translated" over the right words, so if you want, I'll try to record a work version of it and let you hear it (if you can't figure it out).
Also, I think that picture should be titled "Moving Up in the World"
Peace
Yeah. I know the last bit was a bit...shall we say....well...sucky <G> It's what I get for late-night writing <G> It put me in mind of one of the most famous beach scenes ever..in "From Here To Eternity" which is where I wanted to end up. Sometimes I get an end and have to figure out how to get there, And sometimes it's not a pretty journey <G> I like what you did. I might have been a bit more alliterative <G> if I had given it more time, but I didn't want to overthink it and chicken out <G>
This is fun!!!
Eva
does this work better?...I like it better...and I think it actually fits...
We stepped outside around 2:30...
The rain was really coming down
Ran two blocks to your apartment
Cold and wet without a sound
We undressed each other
You put a record on
Joni Mitchell singing People's Parties
By then we only had eachother on
We made love until the dawn broke
Water Glistening on the ground
We fell asleep in love we thought
Tho we both had been around
I'm not a lyricist (or a writer) at all, but I like examing where songs are going. What this song reminds me of, James, is a story about a party you went to in - was it Livermore? - where you met a girl, and drove back to L.A. naked in a convertible making love all the way. Definitely not an "eternity" or even a little while. This story seems to be brief, spontaneous and absolutely short term. (Eva - your last lines were gorgeous, by the way - just not appropriate for this song)
The story overall is the sort of thing that is really evocative of a place - the sort of thing that the singer might think of with distant fondness whenever he happens to show up in Monterey. So it seems to me, that the chorus could focus on that - and here I'm stealing (and slightly modifying) Bobby's last version of his lyric.
Monterey, Monterey (stretched out to fill a line)
We made love until the dawn broke
Water Glistening on the ground
We fell asleep in love we thought
Till the morning came around.
(The best part of your lyrics, Bobby. Good, evocative lines.)
Thanks David...the whole idea is to use eachothers work so you arent stealing...i really think this is a wonderful creative endeavor...its really neat to collaborate...i would love it if everyone participating wrote a song(or songs) that James would record...perhaps dare I say...an album's worth of material...
oh and David I like what you did with what I wrote
oh the story you are referring to David i think is the one that James tells before he performs "Racing the Moon"...and I think there was speghetti in their shoes and some acid involved...I do have the evidence to back it up...not of the actual encounter but of James telling the story...ok I will say no more this evening
LOL! I was aware of the acid, but the spaghetti is a new one on me!
The speghetti reference is on a video that I bought from Beachwood...I dont think its for sale anymore...maybe it was just a hallucination...the speghetti I mean not the video;)
wow, this is great. thanks for all your participation. scan means that the words fall into the rhythm and that there are no accents on the wrong syllable, as in syl LA ble.
the chorus should be something shorter than the verses, as there are alot of words in those verses, so something succinct and catchy. andrew i think that the chorus you've suggested is too long. and the line about "threw up" immediately hit me in the wrong context, so i wouldn't use that one. the other ideas are really good. the salt, the taste, and what we needed most. and i understand the chord symbols and i believe i know where you want to place them, but others may be confused. let's hold off on the chord progression until we have the lyrics solidly in place. back to the chorus.
what if the chorus came from the end of the first verse?
last call, last dance, last chance for romance
last call, last dance, last chance for romance
is that too crass? corny?
Bobby..."Scan" means to fit whatever pattern of rhythm and/or rhyme that is being used.For example....
Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was white as snow.
And everwhere that Mary went
The lamb would follow right along.
The last line doesn't scan.
I've been working on my words too but got sidetracked by some very late nights at work. If it's not too late I'll post 'em tomorrow.
And yeah this IS fun.
Eva