datamusicata

Today, we’re going to talk about sleeping with strangers. Not about picking them up, I am assuming you already know how to do that and if not, we’ll address that in a later post. No, this post is about how to actually sleep in the same bed with them, after the romantic part is over. This can also apply to sleeping with your mate, but that’s not nearly so provocative a title.

Sleeping with strangers requires some preparation and some training. And there are steps to be taken in a specific order. Apres the horizontal mambo, you must cuddle. This will make both you and your partner feel good. It is the tactile bonding that infants instinctively do and it still works. It feels good to cozy up to someone and feel all warm and accepted. So first cuddle.

As to positions, my unofficial poll suggests spoons as the preferred one, followed by the head on the shoulder, both people on their backs thing. But go for spoons if you can.

In the spoons position the outer spoonee will probably have their arm under the neck of the inner spooner, this will cause problems later on during the extrication moment, but it’s something you just have to live with short of removing the offending arm.

After an appropriate period you can disengage and gently slide your arm out from under your recumbent partner. You must do this slowly and with care as you don’t want to jostle them awake. Post coital sleep is so gentle and sweet, you want to let anyone have it as long as they possibly can.

As to judging when the appropriate time is, this is very simple. Lying there together for a while will make you both so unbearably hot and slippery (except for your arm) that there is no mistaking it. As soon as you feel like you are made out of hot oil and sweat; as soon as you find that every area of your skin is actually stuck to every area of your partner’s skin...that’s the appropriate time to extricate.

Sliding your mysteriously dry arm out from under their head, you retreat to a neutral corner of the bed. And now comes the trickiest part and the most important. You must use your free arm to raise the covers just slightly higher than your body.

This way, when you slide your sticky, sweaty body away from your partner you don’t pull all the covers with you, thereby waking them up with a tsunami breath of cold air. If you raise the covers slightly, you can slip away and the covers remain equally distributed between you two bedding combatants.

This is also true after you are lying by yourself in your neutral corner. If you decide to turn over, just use the arm farthest from the mattress to lift the covers ever so slightly and then turn, afterwhich you can let the covers back down.

And never, never, never sit up and lean over the side of the bed, thereby ripping the covers off your partner. This is the rude awakening that you’ve heard so much about. This is really it. The rude awakening. And nothing spoils a beautiful post coital repose than a rude awakening. It erases all the joy and you must do the whole thing over again in the hopes of getting back to that sweet spot.

And there is one more little thing we must address; flatulence and eructation. This is the second most effective rude awakening and not one that will endear you to your sleeping partner. To wake up because of some singularly foul odor or horrendous ripping sound can suck the romance right out of a dream.

The best way to head this off is to first make certain that every day you take about fifty mgs of zinc. Yes, it’s true...take zinc, don’t stink. This will take care of the odor problem, and as to the noise, you can get around the brassy loud braaaaccccckkkk by simply grasping a cheek. One of yours, of course.

If you are lying on your right side, grasp your left cheek and lift it a little ways away from your right cheek, this will cause a minute opening in the aperture that resides between the cheeks. Once the aperture is open, you are home free.

The methane will escape noiselessly and if there is a faint odor, you can always blame the cat.